9/11: I was there

Today marks the 20th anniversary of 9/11. I was there, just over a mile away on the corner of Canal and Church Street. I saw the whole drama unfold. Every year I share this poem I wrote which I’ve pasted at the end of this post. Normally I just share the poem but this year, since I’ve been writing so much, I thought I’d share a little more.

I was in NYC because my father had passed away a few months before. As his only child I had a lot to deal with his estate. It was a mess. I lingered in NYC to deal with the estate but also because I had missed New York, missed the energy of the city. I had avoided the city for years because my relationship with my father was so complicated. Being in the same city, even one as large as NYC was too much for me. Now he was gone and I couldn’t decide what I wanted.

The morning of September 11, 2001 I awoke to see the smoke pouring out of one tower. At first I thought it was a prank but soon realized it was real. Naturally I just thought it was an accident. I called my mother in Florida. It hadn’t hit the news yet. While on the phone with her, I saw the second plane hit. Then I knew it was intentional.

In retrospect, my decisions after this were not the wisest but thankfully I’m still here to share them. I got off the phone with my mother, went downstairs and around the corner to the drug store and bought a disposable camera. Then I went back up into the building and took pictures. I do remember thinking that the smart choice would have been to leave the area immediately. But despite how estranged my relationship with my father was, he had taught me the importance of documenting events and this was one hell of an event.

I stayed in the loft while both towers fell. I saw the plumes of smoke and then people running up the street towards my building. Many covered in ash.

I communicated with my brother who lived uptown. We managed to meet on Broadway. I walked north and after he caught a cab partway, he walked south. I’m still amazed we found each other.

After 9/11 my decision was clear. I didn’t want to stay in NY but it took months to pack up the loft and exit the city.

In 2017 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My doctors were mystified by how the cancer behaved because I had three separate tumors yet the cancer had not reached my lymph nodes. What that means in non medical terms is that cancer developed independently in three different places. That is very unusual. So the doctors did lots of genetic tests but all came back negative.

Having cancer was intense for obvious reasons but for me specifically, it put me back into the medical system, one that I had avoided for so long. After spending my childhood in the hospital, I didn’t want to have anything to do with doctors if I could help it. I experienced tremendous PTSD from being back in the medical system and as a result I decided to file for disability.

I have been disabled my whole life but never sought disability. I preferred to prove I could do things on my own. But the cancer was the tipping point. So, I started my disability application. I was advised to include anything of importance. I mentioned to the advisor that I was present for 9/11 and was told to definitely include that.

I had been registered with the World Trade Center Health Registry for years. Every year they would send me a survey asking me how I felt about things. Did I have nightmares or anything like that. To be honest I did not. I had experienced so many traumatic events that 9/11 was just the most global but not the most personally traumatic for me. Still, I would fill out the surveys and send them back.

I figured I had the WTC Health Registry paperwork somewhere but it was easier to just Google it which is what I did. The first link to pop up was for a lawyer site. I clicked on it. A big question asked “Were you in the exposure zone?” which I already knew I was. Then I scrolled down. The site stated “68 Cancers have been linked to 9/11” and I was intrigued. I scrolled down more to see the list of cancers. Breast Cancer was #4. Then it hit me. That’s why my cancer was so weird because I got it from my exposure on that day.

I called the lawyers and explained everything. They told me that my story of how my cancer behaved was very common in these cases. Now I had confirmation.

The real PTSD then came when I connected the dots. I had cancer because of 9/11 and the reason I was in NYC was because of my father, the same man that I had a traumatic relationship with. It was like a row of dominos that collapsed all at once.

Now I’m in the process of writing a book about my life. The book begins with that fateful day. Here is the poem I wrote about that day 20 years ago.

september eleven

rousing to a sonic boom
i confuse it with the daily rumble
of the traffic on canal
emerging from the holland tunnel

myself, wrapped in bedcovers warm
rolled, regarding window view
twin towers in their testament
of global commerce gone askew

8:45, eyes still blurred
drugged down from dark and dreamful sleep
could not process what i saw
a burning gash five miles deep

i measured it with my mind
mangled steel and depth of flame
smoke blackening bluish sky
the plane had hit with deadly aim

steadily, it conquered me
that my eyes were seeing true
before i could digest it in
came the crash, plane number two

witnessing, i saw the scene
plane flew in, direct impact
bedroom window was the frame
drama of destructive act

all alone i had no choice
terror tried to possess
so i shoved it deep inside
found a mask for my distress

i felt the tension lodge in me
grappling with what to do
bore down upon my shoulders
bruising in the black and blue

the towers were my nightlight
companion to my daily rest
an anchor to the city
a constant in my lonely quest

death summoned me to this place
my father died, left the task
to comprehend a lifetime
and free the demons of the past

now, death comes for many more
their screams too far away to hear
but close enough to breathe the ash
like baby powder in the air

soon came one, then the other
each tower shook and shivered
concrete compressing all inside
panic spread, a flooding river

stunned by the unfolding
crisis that was far too near
some distance from the trauma
i needed to get out of here

my brother calls in tearful voice
end to end we were not close
we made a plan to connect
i’d walk north, he’d walk south

up broadway i trod along
my legs already aching
uncertain of what transpired
and what i’d undertaken

i passed impromptu gatherings
standing by a radio
eager for some scrap of news
full of fear, the unknown

some were wearing gas masks
fleeing from the concrete crush
proof of their survival
bandages and fine white dust

fearing i could not progress
but barely walked far at all
i pause to restore my strength
then i hear my brother’s call

united now we had the will
to make it through this dreadful day
even though we were unclear
of how we’d travel all the way

six mile trek remained ahead
city now could not assist
public transport all shut down
only choice was to persist

we walked the sum of forty blocks
police had speakers blaring
“it is not safe, please go north”
some listened, some uncaring

yellow-orange caught my eye
the glow of flames ascending
panic gripped but fear was false
just sausage cooking unattended

feeling foolish i turned away
yet still there was the tension
phantom perils taunted me
a global apprehension

i saw it in their faces
and felt it in the dusty air
new yorkers had been broken
yet, were not beyond repair

when we finally took a rest
we stopped to call our mother
to let her know we were safe
and we’d found each other

“ask upon your guardian
angels” she told each of us
they will guide you safely home
know in them, place your trust

out of options to explore.
decided to give luck a try
hitch a ride to home uptown
right away someone came by

we thanked our angels deeply
praised the mom we found so wise
because just like she told us
ask, solutions will arise

delivered near my brother’s
home a few blocks away
soon we were sheltered safe
finally could release the day

inside, t.v. insisted
to replay the cradle fall
drilling in the danger
of a time beyond recall

i’ve never felt fear before
breathe moist upon my neck
paralyze me with the world
not know what to expect

i’m grateful that i still exist
i mourn for those who perished
i’ll testify each day i live
is one i’ll always cherish