Reflections While Writing

Writing this book has been challenging. I’ve been taking notes during the process. Here are some.

May 2021 —
I’m feeling quite overwhelmed of late. It’s like I’m stuck in third gear. No one notices because I’m still functioning, just at a slower speed. My sweet spot is fifth gear and I’m far from that. I’m going through my day, taking care of what I have to, but nothing more. Sometimes, if my day is just too open, I slow things down to use up the time. Even if I have time to finish a project, to see it through, I’ll still stop… just so I have something that I have to finish in the future.

July 2021 —
Writing about my childhood, before I moved to NYC that is, was a challenge, but mostly because I realized how intense it really was. It was affirming in many ways that I hadn’t blown things out of proportion, that in fact, it was more than I remembered. But writing about my childhood once I moved to NYC was different. I feel a lot of guilt about that. I say “feel” not “felt” intentionally because I’m not fully past it. I really think it was a combination of loyalty and the fact that I had survived so much before.

Now, in my 50s looking back on my life, I can see a pattern. When I fall into a shitty situation, that quicksand I always feared, I keep myself from disappearing but I also stay in the situation. I stick it out even when I have the opportunity to escape. In NYC, my father unlocked the “cell” door a few times but I never took the bait. It was a combinations of a cult-like brainwashing, Stockholm Syndrome, and a deep-seated fear of my father’s retribution if I ever did leave. So, I bucked up, stayed the course, and endured.

September 2021
Today I finished the chapter I’m calling “Rude Awakening,” in the section “Capture,” which is about when I first moved to NYC with my father. It was a hard chapter to write. So many experiences and memories to sort and organize. The other parts of the book felt like I was writing about someone else while tapping into my own feelings in order to relate. I had to depend on so much evidence to complete the story. But now it’s all me, it’s my memories moving forward. That makes it so much more intense. I feel relieve to have at least one chapter behind me. In writing it, I learned some tools to organize so hopefully they will help me with the next chapters.