I know I have not post much in a long time. There is a reason: I got overwhelmed. My trip to NYC to gather all my father’s things out of storage was beyond exhausting. When I was doing it, the power of the whole experience and its significance to my life, combined with the adrenaline of actually doing it, propelled me to share throughout. But, once I got back, I was faced with the mountainous mess of all I had to deal with and the emotions that came with it so quickly I was overwhelmed.
When I’m overwhelmed I simply retreat. This happens to me a lot. When I get excited about something I dive in headfirst, give it all my energy, but it’s simply not sustainable and eventually I fizzle out. So while I have continued to sort through my father’s estate, I had to take a break from sharing it moment by moment because that is just one sliver of my life and there are many other slivers demanding my attention.
So now I finally feel ready to share… something. I’m really excited that the book is close to being complete and then I can move on to editing before seeking a publisher. In the process of writing I have also been decoding my own life, understanding my beliefs, reflexes, attitudes, and triggers. It’s an ongoing process but I have managed to identify a few key patterns that have plagues me my whole adult life.
Recently I started dating someone. I’ve been single for a long time. While I have dated for a few months here and there, my last serious relationship was over eight years ago. People are sometimes perplexed by this because in there eyes I’m attractive, intelligent, a good cook… they see a catch. So why have I remained single?
Well the answer to that question is a complex one but let me say this. Who you attract, and more importantly, who you chose to engage with, whether in romance, friendship, or business, is all your choice. I knew what I wanted but there was a pattern that kept derailing me from reaching my goal. That is where the title of this post comes from.
People talk about the thrill of falling in love. The rush of the emotional connection with physical intimacy can be like a drug. For me however, it evokes a combination of excitement and fear rooted in some deep trauma that associated being in love with being trapped. So, on the one hand, like any other, I would become intoxicated with the thrill of someone new, but I would also be afraid that the potential relationship would keep me hostage in a way. It’s hard to explain if you aren’t in my head. It wasn’t about any particular limit, it was just the association of love with being controlled. After my childhood, I refused to let anyone control me.
So what happened? Initially I would pick partners who were weaker than me in some way. They might have less money, not be as smart, be from another country so they were dependent on me in some way, or another type of difference that kept me feeling free, like I could walk away at any time without consequence. And I did, over and over. My lengths of relationships would get shorter and shorter as I realized quicker what I had brought into my life.
Then I tried to look for more of an equal, for a balanced relationship by finding someone who could stand by my side versus just let me do it all. Problem with that was I was so fearful of being controlled OR of them just abandoning the relationship, that I would push the new relationship ahead artificially into a more serious one. But, because it was pushed versus happening naturally, one of us would bail soon after because it would become too much.
What I realized recently is why I did this. It is because I wanted the middle. I didn’t want to stay in the newness of being with someone where you didn’t know how it would work out, where you were hopeful but cautious, in the unformed realm between dating and a relationship. That is why if the person made it to the point where I would consider a relationship, I wanted to get there right away. I realize now that it doesn’t work that way.
I long for that quiet time when words don’t have to be spoken or even kisses given. A time when just a look from your person can feel like you are making love. When you can find your partner attractive whether dressed up or down and when you know this is your person. I don’t think I’ve ever truly had that and I think in part, it is because I’ve never truly allowed it to happen.
So here’s to trying to break through old patterns. Whether this new person works out or not, I am determined to be my own advocate, one who reminds myself that I am worthy of love but also does not try to force the progress just to be in the middle. The time will come.