Intentions for the Coming Year…

when a poem beckons
i feel its rumble
like a far distant train
reminding me
of its arrival

i cannot invoke
without its blessing
as inspiration
is a fickle mistress
which loves to tease
then flee

so i wait
as the words collide
like atoms seeking
to form molecules
unbeknownst to me
until they form
a feeling that
must be written down

12.25.21

As the new year of 2022 approaches, I do what many do at this time, this milestone, which is to think back on the year past and set my intentions for the coming year. 2021 marked a return to writing for me after a long absence. The year approaching will mark my third year writing my book, but I took almost a year off during the pandemic. While most would think that a pandemic, where you are forced to stay inside, would be the perfect time to write, but for me it was the opposite. This was not because of stress. Of course the pandemic was a stressful time. So much was unknown and the news kept revising, getting more terrifying. But no, that was not the reason. I don’t consider myself a fearful person and honestly, when my time comes, I will accept it. The reason I couldn’t write was because I had a calling that moved me to action. I realized in March 2020 that I had the materials and the means to make face masks at a time when they were critically needed. So I did. I dropped everything and turned one room in my house into a sewing factory. I donated about 150 masks locally, organized a group of over 100 sewers to make masks and gowns for the community. The demand was so high that I also started selling masks, while still donating some too, and the money I made from the masks carried me through the pandemic economically, at a time when my other sources of income had ceased.

Once I heard the calling, it was like I connected to a stream of good fortune and in the spring of 2021, I received a settlement from the Victims Compensation Fund as a result of being present for 9/11 and then getting breast cancer nearly 20 years later (all healthy now). I had been working on the application for VCF for nearly 2 years and had no expectation as to when it would be decided so the settlement was a pleasant surprise to say the least. Then I set to work to find a house to buy, a long time goal of mine. At first it was very disappointing. I live on a small, beautiful island off the coast of Florida, right near the Georgia border. I wanted to stay on the island, but property prices were high. The settlement was enough for a sizable downpayment but not an outright purchase. No bank would lend me money because I’m self employed with low income. I was in a catch-22. At first I was so frustrated and disappointed, thinking that I couldn’t, after all, get a home where I wanted. I wasn’t concerned about anything fancy, I just wanted a home that was big enough for me and my children and ideally, had room for a pool.

After feeling sorry for myself for a bit, I released my frustration and embraced gratitude, trying to fully appreciate how lucky I was to have any money for a house. That’s when the idea of looking for alternative financing occurred to me and during that search is when I met the woman I purchased my house from. She was a friend of a friend, used to work in banking, and had been purchasing homes throughout her life as insurance for her retirement. She was willing to finance a home for me, but not only that, she had a property that she hadn’t put on the market yet that I might be interested in. I immediately went to look at it. It was a 3 bedroom home, on the island, with a big yard and a POOL. I wanted it and she felt like the house was meant to be mine. Now, here I am. I moved in during August of 2020 and the home has proven to be part of the stream of good fortune. Every big expense has been offset by unexpected opportunities.

The house is wonderful, and I feel blessed, but it was so much to deal with at first. By then the masks were not in high demand anymore so I turned my energy into the move. The house had been built in 1990 and needed a lot of updating. But more than that, it had been rented out for 10 years and vacant for 3. There was a lot to fix and replace. On top of that, I had “minor” surgery in September, to help me walk better, but it turned out to not be so minor after all. I had a boot on my right leg for about 6 weeks when I was given the impression it would only be a week. Also, after the surgery, they wrapped the ace bandage on my foot way too tight. I didn’t realize that, I just started experiencing immense pain which didn’t let me sleep except for 10-15 minutes at a time. I called the doctor about it 4 times and I was just told to ice it, no one suggested that it might be the bandage. By the time they removed my bandage, 2 weeks after surgery, my foot had turned purple and was mostly numb. It took months to return to full feeling.

Then, I was supposed to get physical therapy after the boot was removed, but due to insurance and lost referrals, it took 7 months to actually start getting the therapy. Meanwhile, I was walking way worse than before I had the surgery and the pain was stronger. If I had known the true recovery of the surgery, I would not have had it the month after I moved into my house. It was utterly exhausting. So that brings me to this time last year. Christmas was much smaller. The house was the big present. I was happy but overwhelmed.

Slowly I started to feel better and move more. During 2021 I finally was ready to return to my book. I am now about 75% done. I have written the hardest chapters. I’m now at the part where my life begins to have a glimpse of some freedom and autonomy. It’s a less draining place to write from. 2021 also marked a shift in direction for me as I explored more pure creativity. My home has space for a small studio where I store all my arts and craft materials. It is my happy place.

So what do I want for the coming year? I want to finish my book, at least to the point of pure editing. I want to reach a place of pause with my home. I did a lot this year and it has taken much time and money. I want to enjoy it next year — entertain, laugh, dance in the moonlight. I want to come to a greater acceptance of my creativity and artistic expression. I want to make the art that I’ve never allowed myself the time. It’s my form of self care.

Those are my intentions. Do you have yours?

i bleed the words
that scar the page
with the pressure
of my pen
wounds the speak
when words refuse
to be heard
aloud.
they are marks
of love and
more often pain
which spill in ink
like the fresh gush
of a small cut
too minor for concern
yet still flowing
like a slender rivulet
of emotion.

12.26.21