It’s New Year’s Day. This post is not a reflection on the past year nor a list of what I intend for the coming year. No, it is just a post of what’s on my mind and today seems a good enough time to write it.
Two months ago, I was driving along a busy road. It wasn’t a highway, but had traffic over 60 mph. It was mostly rural. I was just past the intersection where you can turn onto the interstate when I looked to my right and saw a full grown male peacock just strolling along the side of the road, about 6 feet away from the traffic.
Come to find out, there is someone in the area that raises peacocks and sometimes they get out and walk along the road. So there is a logical explanation, but sometimes the logical isn’t really what you should pay attention to.
I believe things happen for a reason. Not everyone does, and I respect that, but for me it has always been true. Whenever my attention has been directly drawn to something, it always means something later. Always. So perhaps seeing a peacock wasn’t as extraordinary as it first seemed, but that doesn’t mean it still wasn’t significant to me.
I posted about it on our local Facebook groups. That’s how I found out that the peacocks have been in that area for years. But one person said that they had driven along that road for over 7 years and had never seen one. Seeing that peacock was special.
I began to think about what that sighting meant and for me, and after much reflection, I came to the conclusion that it was about being my authentic self. Let me explain…
I survived a difficult childhood by practicing being invisible. I learned that if I stayed still and quiet, the adults around me forgot I was there. I found safety in not being seen. All my life I attracted attention. Sometimes it was for things I felt bad about like my crooked legs, but other times it was for my talent and intelligence. Believe it or not, I saw both forms of attention to be bad. I didn’t want to stand out, I wanted to blend in.
Problem was, that is impossible for me. My life was crazy enough for me to write a book about it. I survived a lot and experiences some were really different, some were very cool. Add to that my insatiable desire to learn new things, to push myself; I always have been very driven. When I’m interested in something I immerse myself until I get really good at it. I don’t do anything halfway, it’s always “go big or go home” with me.
A peacock doesn’t blend in. Its plumage announces its arrival. It is not meant to camouflage, but rather to stand tall and walk with a strut. The peacock I saw reminded me that I too can’t blend in. It is time to stop apologizing for my plumage, for my ability to attract attention, and instead be proud of my uniqueness and step out into the light.
So this year is just a continuation of my journey. Slowly I’m getting more comfortable with myself and what makes me stand out. I am trying to flip the narrative. Instead of feeling bad that my legs don’t allow me to run and jump, I’m grateful that I can walk. Instead of worrying that I’m talking too loud, I’m thankful I have friends that want to listen. And instead of feeling like I need to “soften” my story because it is too intense for some, I’m writing it all down in a book.
Happy New Year.
❤